12.3.04 12:13 A.M.
Do skunks go to Heaven when they die? Because I don't think God likes creatures that stink. But, then again, people like Abraham and Moses probably didn't shower, yet I bet they're up there (laughing at each other's jokes, pretending they understand...).
Or maybe skunks go to purgatory, where everyone (skunk or not) (I mean, it could be a squirrel) (cuz it's kind of stereotypical to assume skunks only hang out with skunks) they knew prays for its soul and where the poor skunk has to pay for all its bad deeds.
Or maybe it all comes down to answering a simple, yet tricky, question, like:
"What is the name of your dentist's assistant, whom you have seen at least once every six months for ten years?" But wait, skunks don't go to the dentist,
stupid. How would they pay for it? They can't get insurance, because they're unemployed. Nor can they get Medicaid, because they don't have an address. So they're probably asked another question like:
"Why do you think I should let you into Heaven?"
Or maybe they go to hell. But what's the worst thing a skunk does in its lifetime? Spray someone? Get ran over by an innocent civilian? Stink? I mean, I'm sure there are people in Heaven who are there, but people who are still alive think "No way, man! That [person] is in hell!" (You hear that, Shakespeare?!? Yea, you're overrated and boring! You made every teenager's life in school miserable, you dumb fuck!) (Plus, you were gay and, according to President Bush, God hates you people.) (Wait, what if the skunk happened to be gay? What if it lived its life very homosexually? Bush didn't say anything about gay skunks).
The skunk might be guaranteed hell if it doesn't repent from its sins or confess before it dies. But I read somewhere (probably People magazine) that God forgives all. So,
is there no one in hell? Maybe people who kill themselves are the only ones in hell. So a skunk can go to hell only if it kills itself. How can a skunk kill itself? (Yea, it can get in front of a moving car, but that's too obvious). Well, the skunk can buy a gun (or borrow one... or get one from Charlton Heston) (who the fuck names their kid Charlton?!?) and shoot itself.
"But where can it get bu..." Wal-Mart. It can get bullets at Wal-Mart (since Charlton Heston has his weapons unloaded) (What a stupid fuck!! That's like paying a whore to come to your house and not fucking her!) (Well, a person can feel sorry for a whore and choose to not fuck her. But who feels sorry for a gun... and not load it?) (The guy who played stinky Moses,
that's who!).
"
Why would a skunk kill itself? It has so much to live for!" Maybe its company's fraudulent ways were exposed and, as a way of avoiding jail, took its own life. I guess the skunk didn't know the most severe punishment those corporate assholes get is house arrest. (What's so bad about that? You can't get butt-fucked in your own house... unless you want to) ...
Or maybe they just die. They go neither to Heaven nor hell. But why would they exist in the first place? I mean, what's their purpose in life? Surely, there's more to skunks than just having a bad smell that pisses people off, making people wish skunks were dead.